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My Deeper Mission

"I believe each of us has a mission in life and that one cannot truly be living their most fulfilled life until they recognize this mission and dedicate their life to pursuing it."
-Blake Mycoskie

      My deeper mission in life is to ascend spiritually. Now do not get too excited, like you are about to read something from the Dali Lama. I am sharing me with you in the hope that what my mission is will resonate with others. Along with this deeper mission of increased growth and awareness of the ethereal joy which springs from my innermost self have been important assignments like raising my children well; being a loving presence for all those who are in my life; dealing with the realities of the world and the demands that are before me -- like caring for my pets, cooking meals, washing dishes, and cleaning my toilet. Also there is the important duty of being able to financially support myself and those I am responsible for. Side bar: This financial responsibility thing can get messy in its meaning because after all, on a larger scale, giving to others who need assistance to survive feels like it is part of my deeper mission.

      Why else would I feel I am being pulled by a powerful magnet to donate to the ASPCA, the Wounded Veterans, Feeding America, and Leader Dogs for the Blind, and, of course, I cannot leave out St. Jude’s. I’ve been told St. Jude’s uses 100 percent of the donations for their cause of helping children with life threatening physical conditions. Is donating part of my greater mission or is it an unhealthy need to be a savior and to take care of others to feel good about myself?

      Aha! Life and its missions are not so very simple or clear are they?

      Embedded in life are so many lessons. I just had an intellectual gag reflex on that one. I believe it to be true. But oh my goodness, this “lessons” thing is so way over done. Any number of times when I’ve been forced by life’s events to grow – usually through a ridiculous number of "trials and tribulations" -- I have blared, "God, it is okay to leave me shallow!" and; "Please just leave me vane and shallow!"

      I spent years with a well guarded secret desire to eventually become a saint. I kept it secret because this thought, this desire, said aloud would make me sound, well, emotionally unstable. With maturity, growth and treatment I have realized my instincts were right. It would sound like I am unwell. I am better now. And, obviously, less prone to embarrassment given I am sharing this morsel of less-than-great mental health. What I have concluded is this desire, fantasy or wish was likely born from a need to be perfect. If I could be perfect, I reasoned unconsciously, I perhaps would have a chance at being loved by my mother. Of course, she loved me as she was able, but was not capable of going beyond her own wounding to pull off being what psychologists call “a good enough mother.” However, she fed me and in doing so my mother went beyond what was done for her. I remember her telling how she went to sleep every night crying from the ache in her belly from being so hungry because she and her five siblings only had one meal a day.

      I have many horrific true stories of my childhood, but being starved is not one of them. Through the years I have been fond of saying, “My mother could make a rock taste good.” Because of the various traumas I incurred, I could have remained a person with a victim mind set while using the unhealthy defense of seeking perfection. It feels ever so much better to loosen up and let go of old ways of dealing with the deficits of childhood and the difficult hits as an adult. Even my letting go of striving to be perfect is not perfect! And that is okay. The growth upward toward the warmth of health feels very good; and yes, spiritual.

            -Mary Seyuin, M.A. LLP