People often avoid relationships because of the
potential pain they may cause, for a variety of reasons. Mostly though it is the need to avoid further pain (i.e. the pain of being lonely is imagined to
be less than the pain of risking rejection or repeating an old pattern of conflict). Whether a relationship involves a romantic partner, a friend or a family
member, relationships are important in living your life to the fullest. Relationships do wind up hurting in some way at some times. The trick is, overall,
the benefits (connection, caring, fun, companionship, various needs met) usually outweigh the pesky hurts of the other not being perfect, stepping on a
trigger issue inadvertently which causes pain and forces you to work on yourself even more. Relationships make us stretch. If we don't stretch ourselves
we just wind up in the dumper again. Each relationship is an opportunity for some kind of insight of self and self growth. Pain is not the worst thing that
can happen. Not living your life is worse. Life is not without pain. It is a paradox that when we work hard to avoid pain over living our best we cause
ourselves to live a life that has far less joy and far more pain.
-Mary Seyuin, M.A. LLP
If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.”
Don’t argue for your limitations. If you argue for your limitations you have them.
Stop taking what an offender does personally. Look more objectively at the big picture. Is the offense behavior only for you or does the offensive
behavior spring from the offenders personality or his/her own wounding? Taking things personally is a gripping vise that keeps you viewing yourself
as a victim. This is not a position of strength. Staying a victim stops you from moving forward.
There is no “GET OUT OF PAIN/TRAGEDY/DIFFICULTY FREE CARD” in life. I’ve looked. No such luck. Life presents us with messes on a
regular basis that we have to either clean up or stay stuck in.
Stop blaming the offender for your feelings. An offender may be responsible for a particular behavior that was negative and destructive. That behavior
is not OK. But blaming them for our emotion makes us victims again. We can’t change in ways to make ourselves feel better if the responsibility for
feelings lies elsewhere.
Stop using exoneration to let yourself off the hook: “I’ve been so hurt, that I excuse myself for taking responsibility for behaviors that are hurtful or
destructive to self or others.
Be careful to examine and own your perspective. A phrase I ran across many years ago says it well: “A pick-pocket looks at a saint and sees only
Hope is essential to growth and any kind of accomplishment that requires more of you than then you think you have or think your situation allows.
Hang on to hope it is your lifeline.
Gratitude is the fuel that keeps us from sinking beyond the point of recovering from painful, even traumatic injuries. Widen your vision from focusing
on what hurts to seeing what helps you feel good.